R. A. Melos Uncensored

I saw a billboard that read, "Children are gift from God", so I'm wondering, then abortion makes them returnable.

I ended up going to the party last night. How could I pass up hot naked men in a hottub? I couldn't. I'm shallow. So I had a great time talking with friends, and hottubbing. It was fun. the roads weren't great. Apparently NJ varies by county as to how they plow. Middlesex County plowed very well, but the second I crossed into Monmouth County it was as if plows didn't exist.

I guess the new governor decided the state couldn't afford to actually try to plow and take care of NJ citizens. What do you expect from a guy who drove the wrong way down a one way street and didn't even get a slap on the wrist after causing an accident that sent the driver of the other car to the hospital? Can you tell I don't like the current governor? Enough politics.

So today was a really slow day and I felt almost good. Mildly nervous, but I know someday the nervousness will stop. I don't know when. Thinking about dinner now. Don't know what I want, yet.

Okay, it wasn't as much as they promised. Only six inches, but that's one foot in AOL inches. I was supposed to go to a party tonight in Long Branch, but the roads around here aren't too good, so I'm thinking I'll stay home and watch the Netflix stuff I've got.

My mood isn't much better, but I'm trying. I'm watching Monarch of the Glen season 4 disc 2. It does help me to feel slightly better, but I'm just sick and tired of feeling down and blah. People are just such a drag. I really need to just get away from everything and relax, but that isn't possible.

I just hate outside influences and surprises. I've always hated surprises. I don't find them fun. My mood is just not great.

Dreamt about airships. One in particular, one that I somehow knew was going to crash. A huge airship. In my dream airships were a prevalent way of traveling, and it was flying very low over my house. My dog and I were out in the yard watching it. there were several other airships in the sky. It was a beautiful sight, but made me apprehensive. The feeling was one of dread.

Then I was with some strangers driving along a road overlooking a valley with a lot of mist in the valley. It was another beautiful sight, but again it left me feeling apprehensive. There was a warning not to go into the valley, to stay out. It looked beautiful and inviting, but something to be feared also.

So a mist covered valley and airships are bad things; things to be feared. I have no idea what any of this may mean, but it means something.

I just had an encounter with a neighbor around the corner. He was trying to tell me how to groom my dog. I didn't solicit this advice, I was merely walking my dog in the middle of the street and he just felt it was his responsibility to tell me how to groom my dog because my dog has long withers and some matting in them. So he just started to tell me what to do as though I should be grateful for his unsolicited advice. I told him I didn't appreciate his advice. He told me he didn't like people walking unkempt dogs past his house. I told him I was glad he owned the public street and to mind his own fucking business.

Mind you I was walking past his house and never would've acknowledged him even speaking to me if he hadn't been insistent and calling to me. I don't know who he is, as he moved in around the corner more than two years ago and I'm the type of person who ignores his neighbors, doesn't really want to know any of them, pays no attention to them. I'm not one of those people who really gives a flying fuck what goes on outside of his own home. I literally keep my doors closed and mind my own business until others stick their noses into my business.

I am really angry right now. No one, NO ONE, has the right to poke their noes into someone else's business. Fucking neighbors need to mind their own fucking business. I'm sick of the "it takes a village" attitude. Where the fuck are these people when I'm struggling to get money to pay taxes or heat my house? Everyone can offer advice because everyone has an opinion on how everyone else should live.

I really want to live in a place where I don't encounter others, or have to see or deal with others. I like to be alone and keep to myself as much as possible. This is why I don't have a room mate, or life partner. I don't want people in my life for more than a few minutes at a time. Anything beyond polite social "Hi," with a nod is TOO MUCH for me. I don't care how this sounds to others.

I'm really tired of people.

I really don't know when it's going to hit, or how bad it will be. Sometimes it's just severe depression and other times it's craziness. I don't know any other way of describing it. The pressure is too much, and I mean to the point that what other deal with as daily life with little to no problem is overwhelming for me. Things like getting out of bed, taking a shower, just about anything that normal people do without hesitation causes me stress. Running the dishwasher, just the act of turning it on, is a major hurdle. Seeking refuge in sleep doesn't always help, alcohol never helps, and in general there are moments when even just sitting in the dark isn't calming.

then again, sometimes the pressure just seems to go away. Now, for instance. Only seconds ago I was on the verge of another moment of breakdown, and now, sitting here, listening to the dishwasher running in the kitchen, the television off, staring at the computer screen, everything seems to be falling into place again. Maybe this is temporary. It feels like it might break loose again any second and....Snap.

Sometimes it manifests in images of cartoon creatures acting out classic films, other times it manifests in other crazy illusions of the world and all its charms. Snap. Snap. Snap.

I think I need to try to go to sleep. Maybe sleep will make the craziness go away. If it could only make the cold go away.

Did I mention I just ate the remainder of the steamed dumplings for last night's dinner? 3:00 AM and I'm eating Chinese food and drinking orange soda, with some red wine in it for flavor. I think I'm feeling better now.

Ya know, maybe I'm not the crazy one. Maybe that's my biggest problem. Maybe I'm the sane one in a world of crazy. Maybe I see that money can't buy happiness even though I desperately need financial happiness to soothe the evil bank, and the evil tax collector, and all the greedy scum that wants paper to validate their existence.

Yeah, I'm the crazy one. I know that once you leave this realm the material things man values are meaningless. Welcome to a glimpse into my mind.

Sometimes wine doesn't help. Nor do really bad teen exploitation films that were released in 2001 about a summer camp in 1980.

Wow. the film just picked up a lot with a gay sub-plot. I'm shocked.

I'm bored today. Amuse me. Now!

So I was talking with a cute guy I know, sort of crush on a bit, and naturally as most conversations of mine do we began to flirt. Actually he started it. I mentioned I'd had a vegan lunch and he pointed out how he'd heard I was all about the "meat". That deteriorated into sausage jokes leading me to tell my cute Italian friend that I love Italian sausage. It was followed by a leer that was right out of Dick Dastardly's repertoire. All I needed was a handlebar mustache to twirl. Even I chringed in retrospect. I just hope he caught on to it and takes me up on my "offer" when he isn't in a hurry to his next appointment.

The Adventures of Homosexual man and Lesbian Ladd

I thought about going to see Avatar tonight, then watched the trailers on-line and changed my mind. I'll see it someday, when it hits cable. No film experience is worth $14.

Much more at peace today. It won't last, but it is nice.

I went to the banks this morning to get the statements requested of me by the courts to justify my bankruptcy, and then had a slice of pizza and iced tea at Shanahan's Bakery, and have come home and spent the last hour trying to remember a time in my life when I was truly happy and enjoyed living. I've searched my memory. I know there was a time, there must've been a time, when I enjoyed being alive. The only memories I've been able to come up with are all the times in my life when I wished I were dead.

I never realized how much of my life I hated; how many times I wished and prayed to die because I was so unhappy. I never stopped to look at the moments of abuse, physical and emotional, inflicted upon me by my fellow man, that added up to the moments when I prayed to die and wished to die. I really have hated living since I was a very young child.

One of the first moments I remember wishing to die I was about 4 or 5 years old. I didn't even fully understand death as anything more than going away and never seeing anyone again. That concept was very appealing. Never seeing another living soul for all eternity is still extremely appealing. I don't like interacting with my fellow man.

My only wish at the moment, since the Gods won't seem to just stop my heart from beating, is to somehow get enough money so I can become a a recluse. I envy Greta Garbo, Howard Hughes, and all those wealthy enough to cloister themselves away from man so they didn't have to deal with people.

I know it's hard for most people to imagine hating interacting with others, or wanting to be left alone. My cousin can't stand to be alone. My mother hated to be alone. I enjoy being alone. I enjoy not having to deal with people on a daily basis. I really do like solitude. The only times I remember being, or feeling truly happy were when I was writing; when I was sitting at a typewriter, late on a computer, all alone, writing a story and feeling at peace. Things I could do alone, by myself without the interference of my fellow man have always been the most appealing. I truly like being alone.

I can manage to be alone in a crowd, I would just like to be alone without the crowd.

I am tired of all this, as usual. I need a nap before going out tonight. Too many things are replaying over and over in my life. If I look at the cycle there is a happy time ahead, but I don't know about prosperous. I never remember a prosperous time in my life. There was some successful times, but they were fleeting. Most of the time was spent wishing I were dead.

I know this is a downer. Too fucking bad. Don't read it if it depresses you. the point of a journal is to write what you feel. It's public because nothing is truly private. People make such a big deal about security. As if anything is truly secure or safe. Every form of security is false.

Stop and think about it. An asteroid or comet could hit the planet and wipe out all life as we know it and there ain't thing one we could do about it. An alien species could invade Earth and wipe out the human race. An earthquake or volcano, or tidal wave, or hurricane could wipe out millions in a few seconds or hours or days. The only thing man has to really fear is man.

Philosophical, I know.

I need to nap.

The Worst ever has to be Johnny B. Goode, way back in the 1980s. We walked out of the theater.

I don't even know how to describe it. My life is just bizarre.

( NSFW BUT REALLY WARPED AND FUNNY )

Sense of humor is pretty important. If they are just friends I'm open to most things, but if they are friends with benefits or more than friends, then sense of humor is a must, followed by being hot/cute and fun loving.

I had a major anxiety attack today.