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Jan. 12th, 2017

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I'm done...

So my "helpful" roommate, read that as toxic person, attempted an oil change on my car. He broke something. It's done. My life needs to be rearranged and I'll have to do something I didn't want to do. I put it off. I shouldn't have, but I did. So now I'll be making a move and rebuilding my life, and I do resent the outside influence that came into my life and the way this was forced upon me. There is anger and hatred. I don't know when or if I'll ever forgive this.

At the moment I'm coping with so much anger I'm amazed  I'm not smashing things, well I am at work and there's nothing to smash. I'll calm down. Eventually. I don't know when. I'm not focusing on any of the problems. I'll just hold my anger until it dissapates, or I explode in fury. I'm done with all of it.

Jan. 6th, 2017

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Dream

Last night I had a strange dream. I was at a rest stop-like building sitting at a table eating something, not sure what. There was a woman sitting at the end of the table. She could've been either my  mother or Gaia. Technically Gaia is mother  of us all, anyway...she had white and pink blotchy skin, and was wearing a blouse with her left breast exposed.

Now when my mother was first in rehab and couldn't dress herself I would sometimes come in to find her dressed like that, so again I'm not sure of who she was.

She was talking, but I couldn't really hear her because her attire and blotchy skin distracted me. I feel she was warning me of something, but I don't know of what?

Could her skin represent radiation poisoning? Was Gaia trying to ask for help to save her/Earth from the human menace? She was talking but I couldn't understand. Either I'm not ready to listen, or not learned enough to understand. I wish the universe would help me to understand.

Dec. 24th, 2016

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Frank talk

I hate Donald Trump and everything he stands for. In my opinion he is destroying the country already, before he even takes office. He has assured the division of the country through his hateful words. He became president elect because Russia interfered and hacked into our political system and help get him elected. He has already backed down on every promise he made.

He sickens me, literally. He will harm America in ways I never imagined I'd see in my lifetime.

That's what's on my mind abd how i feel. Happy Hols.

Dec. 5th, 2016

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12/05/16

Todaay I'm an emotional wreck. Nerrvous, worried, flat out scared. I don't know why. Wish I were alone in a dark room, safe from the world. I'll blame Trump for making me feel this way.

Nov. 18th, 2016

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11/18/16

So a doctor told me the reason they don't want me moving around or up and walking is because they don't want to put extra strain on my heart. That's a little disconcerting. I told her I feel ok. She told me I can sit up, but any exercise at this point makes my heart beat faster, and they don't want that until after the angioplasty. Good talk, really. Sorta, you're doing fine, but don't do anything. At least I can spend time writing.

So to catch y'all up. I had my fourth heart attack on Tuesday. Having one of two angioplasty on Monday. Woohoo. I'll be good as used and discarded. Life is good.

I'm at least enjoying myself, kind of.

Sep. 23rd, 2016

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Tarot reading

Tonight I earned what it takes two weeks to earn. I wish I could do this every week.

Aug. 14th, 2016

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Dreams

A couple days ago I had a dream that my life was in utter chaos. There was even a cat in the dream wanting to play. I heard the words "When To Become a Kitten Daddy" like a book title being announced. Debris was scattered everywhere.

I'm guessing it was my subconscious coming to the surface. Except for the cat, which I don't have, my life is in chaos. Since July 15th I've been bouncing about, first at my friend Mark's, then my cousin Wendy's in Nebraska, then my friend Ken's in Virginia Beach, now back to Mark's.

I'm hoping to end up in Virginia Beach. I wish I could afford my home in New Jersey, but I'm loosing that to foreclosure. I can't seem to get my life together here. I might not get it together anywhere, but Virginia Beach is a nice place to start to rebuild.

Meanwhile, I'll try to get a job in New Jersey to suppliment my income, meaning getting an income. I'm overwhelmed by life. Nap time.

Jul. 22nd, 2016

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Roommate grabbed me

So things esculated to physical violence on Wednesday. He grabbed me and shoved me into a table. A bunch of glass pie plates broke. Then he was calm. That's what he calls an argument. I calmly drove him to work and then went home and packed clothes and bolted to a friend's house. I might go home next week. Roommate and I have texted. He's now getting anger management therapy. I'm not sure what to do, but I can't stay away from my own house forever.

I have to have faith that things will work out.

Jul. 17th, 2016

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Apropos of everything

My roommate slams the bathroom door so hard tiles fell off the wall. He then wakes me up to accuse me of slamming the door causing the tiles to fall off. I never in my life have slammed doors. He's crazy.

On a related note I'm watching Mommie Dearest. My roommate got half way through and couldn't watch anymore because he saw several scenes that reminded him of how he acts.

Good. I'm glad he recognized himself in the insanity. I wish he could change, or be less crazy.

It was interesting, he didn't know who Joan Crawford was. Granted he is young and doesn't like old movies.  He thought Faye Dunaway was Joan Crawford. I guess that isn't unusual for his generation. After explaining that part to him,  that the story was about Joan Crawford, he understood. Still couldn' t watch the film all the way through.

Jul. 16th, 2016

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(no subject)

I'm torn. I know I eventually have to move, but I feel unhappy about it. Part of me is excited for something new, but the other part is upset over having to move, not really feeling I belong anywhere.

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