R. A. Melos Uncensored

Well first up I'm changing my phone service to optimum voice. It'll cut my phone bill, hopefully, by $65. That's $65 I can pay on a credit card, if I get money coming in. I sat down and figured out the short term needs. Short term I can get by on anywhere between $10 to $15 per hour if I have a 40 hour a week job. It'll mean the end of real estate, which will disappoint me. Being a part time realtor practically kills your real estate career. If a customer finds out you don't work at it full time then aren't as loyal to you. And becoming a referal agent for Re/Max is out of the question because Re/Max encourages full time agents. As a part time Re/Max agent all I can do is refer someone to Re/Max and not do ANY real estate, nothing, nada, and that ain't for me. So the decision has to be made whether or not I remain with Re/Max. Sadly, being a Re/Max agent impresses some people.

That decision remains up in the air.

Now for years, most of my life really, I've always said I wanted to get away from my home, away from my family, away from everything here in Milltown, and now I've changed. I really want to keep my house if I can manage to do so financially. I don't want to leave my town, or what little family I have left. I want to stay here, and am determined to do so.

I wasn't feeling well earlier and I think it had to do more emotionally with how I was feeling about potentially losing everything and being forced to leave my home. The operative word is home. This is more than just a house to me, this is my home. For some people houses are just that, a place to be, a place to store your stuff, the 'home is where the heart is' mentality. My heart is here. This is home and I don't want to lose it now when it is mine.

Determination alone won't get me what I want. I need some luck and skills. I need the luck to get a job that pays at least $10 an hour. Since real estate isn't paying at the moment this is going to be a major change for me, one that I will do because I want to keep my house. I don't want to do it, I have no choice. This part, being forced to do anything I don't want to do, and I don't want to be forced out of being a realtor, will make me bitter. I've been bitter before, a lot, so I can live with it if I can manage to keep the house.

I know from talking to customers over the years that the only real way of succeeding in America is to be your own boss. Unfortunately I'm not in a financial position to be my own boss. So for the time being I'll have to struggle and not lose my temper or kill anyone. This will mean getting enough sleep, because when I'm tired I'm filled with anger and hate toward my fellow man. For me that's a natural state. I like liking my fellow man, and that takes effort.

On top of this I've been having dreams again. In my dreams my mother has come back to life. Literally. Last night I dreamt she returned to life and I was happy, but worried because I paid for her funeral, and was living on her insurance money and what would I do when I needed to bury her again? Yeah, I've got a sick mind. Also in the dream my car burst into flame.

I've had several dreams where my mother came back to life. I mean, she wasn't alive, she'd been dead and came back. I even asked her how she got out of the coffin. Now metaphysically I wonder if this means her soul hasn't accepted that she was dead and is trying to reach out to me in dreams because she is confused by death? On the other hand her belief was that there was nothing after death. No Heaven or Hell, nothing. You died. That was it.

Rationally I'm thinking it's grief I'm working through, but the dreams of my mother are disturbing. I've also dreamt of my father. Now he's dead in my dreams. He's not coming back to life. Maybe it's just the fact I've accepted his death, and haven't really had time to process my mother's death.

So now I'm baking some chicken. I took 4 chicken legs, sprinkled them with cinnamon, nutmeg, ginger, marjoram, parsley, salt, pepper. Cut up 6 large cleaned mushrooms, 8 red shallots, a bag of chestnuts, and covered it all in Ken's Blue Cheese dressing. All of this is in an oven bag, cooking for 55 minutes at 425. I'll let you know how it comes out. I just took it out of the oven and it smells terrific, but it's for tomorrow night's dinner. I'm going to do it with some mini ravioli.

Diners, Drive-ins and Dives is on. I love watching food being cooked. I also like HGTV.

I'm feeling better than I did earlier tonight. No nausea. I don't really know what made me feel sick. I just felt nauseous.

Enough of what's going on. I'm actually feeling pretty good at the moment.

Update: I couldn't resist trying the chicken. Wow. It is great.