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Jul. 15th, 2016

blue

(no subject)

Not sure if it counts as battery, but my roommate pushed my head while driving on the turnpike. His yelling and berating me mean nothing, but i view it as pgysical assualt. This isn't the firsttime. Just the most aggrevious.

Jul. 6th, 2016

blue

More

Everything he accuses me of he does, except lie. He's a nasty prick. He tells me my house is a filthy pigsty, I'm lazy and stupid, he gets violent and throws tantrums like a child. He's one of the nastiest people I know. I've asked him to leave, he's threaten me. He is irrational. He trashed my bedroom once, grabbed me by the throat twice, threatens me daily.

Why don't I call the police? Fear. I fear him. He will get more violent. If the police don't arrest him he will attack me. He's a toxic person. I want him out of my life permanently. I'm biding my time. The universe will help me, one way or another.

He has far overstepped his boundaries. He is one of the nastiest people I have ever met. I've never known anyone like him. He is just flat out someone I don't want in my life. I've never hated anyone like this, or felt threatened like this. No one has ever treated me like this and I want him gone.  I literally hate him. No one has ever made me so unhappy.

He just attacked me. He came into the livingroom and grabbed my face, begging to hit me. Then he flipped the coffee table shattering a cutglass candy dish. Then before i could take a photo he cleaned up the mess. He's crazy.

blue

Roommate

Don't get one.

Jun. 29th, 2016

blue

Daily life

Who hasn't fantasized about taking a heavy shovel and smashing in someone's skull? Just saying.

Jun. 22nd, 2016

blue

6/22/16

I'm a nervous wreck. The stress in my life is too much. Someday I'll be able to talk about it. For now I just need to cope, and pray. I know a lot of people don't believe in prayer, but I do. It isn't the only form of help, but when you have nothing left you resort to your last hopes.

I've been through so much in the past 13 years. 19 if I choose to count a former relationship breakup also, and I am feeling the effects. The current situation is one I should've  avoided, but by the time it got this bad it was too late.

I'm making plans to get out of the mess I'm in. It can't be soon enough.

May. 16th, 2016

blue

Nasty thoughts

I need to protect myself, physically and emotionally, from the world.

blue

Bad emotional day

Some days I just want to crouch in the corner of a dark room and hide. Today is one of those days.

Apr. 26th, 2016

blue

Stressed, as usual

The level of stress is taking its physical toll. My body is falling apart. When you consider three heart attacks and aortic aneurysm the good points, you know I'm pushing the envelope.

Last night my gallbladder acted up, along with my costochondritis (the imflamation of the cartledge around the rib cage). Excruciating pain, plus vomiting to cap off the evening.

I am more then willing to surrender at this point. I've been through too much to care any longer. I'm alive because I haven't died. This latest malady is wrecking havoc on my nerves. I don't care how strong I am, or how much I can survive, I want this to end.

I'm tired of being positive because it's what others want and expect. I'm tired of dancing because I have no choice. I'm tired of trying. In short, I'm tired.

Time for bed. Rant over. Good night.

Apr. 20th, 2016

blue

Wishes, horses, beggars

I read tarot cards. I sometimes do this professionally. I read for myself, but it is always harder to read for yourself because you are too close to the situation. Forest for the trees kinda thing. Robin Hood had that problem, but I digress.

Anyway, my cards are emphatic that i am getting a wish. Now I'm a greedy gemini who has wished for many things over the years. I would just like to know which wish I'm getting?

Whichever it is, I am grateful to the universe for it, because the mere thought of it fills me with a hopeful feeling I haven't had in a long, long, long time.

Mar. 19th, 2016

blue

Stress

Most days I can't stand being awake let alone alive. I know how this sounds, but I am at my wits end. Life is just constantly overwhelming. I share a house with some I don't hate, but who fits the description of a toxic person. I am not as confrontational person. I can't stand any discord. My life has been nothing but discord, as of late. I need to get a job out of New Jersey, referrably in Florida where it is warmer, so I may move away. Sadly I'm currently not in a financial position to move or I would. It's like the universe is conspiring to make my life impossible here so i will move, but making impossible to move. I need the money to leave, or a job. I need to get out of here.

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